Is there something physically wrong with me that means I will never orgasm? Should I just give up trying?
This may seem like a very silly question, but it is worth considering. Or happily stay as you are.
Alternatively some women do orgasm but because we are Feeling up and orgasm to believe orgasms should be loud and dramatic they feel their quieter and less powerful pleasurable responses are not the real deal. If the problem of not-quite-getting-to-orgasm happens during masturbation on your own and with a partner you may want to try some new strategies.
Can you think back to the times when you have nearly orgasmed?
What are you usually doing? What positions are you commonly in?
What are you thinking about? Where are you being touched? What has already happened to turn you on? How have you been moving and breathing? All this may indicate if you need to just do more of the good stuff to experience orgasm, or adapt it a little or a lot to help you come. For example if you moved more or differently, felt more relaxed or comfortable, tried different sexual positions, sex toysnew fantasies or lubricant it might change things.
If you have never experienced orgasm then exploring masturbation on your own can give you the chance to explore what feels good for you and time to reflect on what is happening at that moment just before you do not orgasm. Taking the goal of orgasm off the table completely can give you space to relax and enjoy pleasure.
Some women struggle to orgasm because they fear losing control.
Badass feeling up and orgasm pron videos
That might include worries about being too vocal, being physically out of control, or looking disheveled and sweaty. Alternatively you may worry that orgasm might result in queefing aka fanny farts or weeing, as getting close to orgasm can mean you feel like you need to urinate. Having a pee before sex can reduce that concern.
If you have a past experience of abuse this may also make experiencing orgasm difficult or associated with feelings of guilty and shame. Again exploring orgasm during masturbation can allow you to address these anxieties without a partner present to make you feel self-conscious.
I know standard sex advice encourages us to frown on fakers, but faking orgasm can still be useful. Reflecting on ways to enjoy sex more including reading through the ideas above Feeling up and orgasm resources from BishAbout Sexuality and Scarleteen may mean you are able to experience orgasms.
If pain is getting in the way of you enjoying sex or experiencing orgasm and the ideas suggested here have not improved things then you should speak to your GP. Particularly if there is any unexplained bleeding, discharge or smell.
Where orgasm remains elusive and if this is causing you distress you may want to speak to a psychosexual therapist. Your GP may be able to refer you although waiting lists can be long and service provision patchy across the UK or you could refer yourself.
Petra Boynton is a social psychologist and sex researcher working in International Health Care and studying sex and relationships. Follow her on Twitter drpetra. Petra cannot print answers to every single question submitted, but she does read all your emails.